The First Monday

The first Monday of the year has passed, which wasn’t much of a Monday. Many people didn’t even have to go to work. So I joined them by procrastinating all day. First, I daydreamed of riding a Giraffaloupe topless into Northern Russia. I was disturbed by an untimely shiver, and the dream was lost forever. That took about 12 seconds. Second, I decided to play coy when Mocha inquired about the hack-job I did to the shower curtain so that she couldn’t saunter into the bathtub like Mr. KoolAid. That was a solid 8 minutes because I had to watch that video a few times. Finally, I spent the rest of the day coming up with 2017 prediction categories that I could share WikaWitaWid style.

Giraffaloupe (noun): [1] an extremely rare hybrid species formed by a giraffe and a cantaloupe, not to be confused with the similar sounding Giraffalope, where the parents are a giraffe and an antelope. [2] what you see if you drink too much KoolAid.

What I Know

  1. Barack Obama will not be the president of the United States after January 20th
  2. The ocean will continue to fool us by looking blue, actually being clear, and slowly eating away our coastline
  3. Bruno Mars will continue to look good in any hat he wears
  4. The Chicago Bears will not win the Superbowl

What I Think

  1. Donald Trump, against all odds, will not get impeached and the economy will rise temporarily
  2. He will, however, add to the confusion around climate change, much to the delight of the Russian government, which may be able to soon promise a summer breeze to its citizens
  3. And be the first president ever to don a red cap in a business meeting, even though his hair is gorgeous and could maybe by itself steal a Grammy away from Bruno Mars
  4. The PGA Tour will not brand itself as the official sponsor for the office of the president

What I Do

  1. Thank Obama for his eight years and thank the fake news sites for all the upcoming material
  2. Teach people that compost is not a computerized post
  3. Buy a chartreuse fedora
  4. Not start watching NASCAR; it’s slower than golf!


Spread the good news,


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